Fork in the Road?

One of the interesting things about my recent gig as a temporary driver helper with UPS is that I get to see a lot of residential neighborhoods and commercial businesses in the course of our daily route. Today was a cold, rainy and generally miserable day for anybody, but especially for anybody that had to work outside…which of course, means me.

As the rain and the cold began to infiltrate my layers of clothes, and my cell phone was blowing up with the now too familiar calls from bill collectors, the stark reality of my current situation starting setting in. Those nagging thoughts of “What the hell am I doing on this UPS truck? Why am I not working a professional job that can actually offer a livable salary? How did I go from having a career and a life of my own to sitting shotgun in the cold and the rain on a delivery truck, working for mere scraps?

Those ugly thoughts of doubt and uncertainty stayed with me as I was unable to shake them. Then later, we started making stops to a few businesses, the last of which is a company that employs a lot of design and marketing talent and is well-known as a very dynamic and creative place to work. It was driving by this company that I looked and saw three young people, perhaps in their late twenties or early thirties sitting in a conference room discussing something. The room itself was painted in very vibrant colors with trendy décor on the walls as well as several boards of drawings or other concept work and the people themselves were dressed in upscale jeans and t shirts. In short, the exact kind of place I would fit in. That’s when the panic hit me. The contrast between our situations couldn’t be more drastic: the people inside that warm room with steady jobs at a very hip and fun place to work, and me sitting in the jumpseat of a cold UPS truck trying to ignore the fact that I was soaked and that I have absolutely no prospects or hope for any kind of gainful employment.

How did this happen? Why am I stuck in this position while others are doing so well?

I am now at the age where pretty much all of my friends are already married, or soon will be and their careers are well established. In fact many of my friends are starting to see some real financial success by way of handsome salaries and steady promotions. I do not begrudge their success, but I do have to wonder what the hell have I done so incredibly wrong that I can’t even get a callback from a resume submitted to any of the dozens of companies I’ve tried contacting in search for employment.

I know full well that the economy overall is in the dumps and many companies simply aren’t hiring. I also understand that sending resumes and portfolio samples to companies proactively will not yield a high-level of response. But when I send my information in response to an actual posting for an open position, why is it that I don’t ever get past the initial screening? Even jobs that fit quite nicely with my experience, training, and talents seem to be out of my reach.

So then I have to think, why am I even having to look for a job anyway? I’ve worked for many companies, why can’t I ever seem to find one that I can actually stay with and build a career? As I go down the list, I can rattle off one reason after another for each of my previous employers as to why it didn’t work out. However, I wonder if the common denominator in all this might just be me. Maybe I am the reason my career has never been successful. Maybe there is something wrong with my wiring and I am just not good enough in some way to be able to make it.

That possibility certainly seems far fetched at first glance, after all, look at how many numbskulls and nitwits are gainfully employed at just about any company out there. I am certainly smarter, more creative, harder working etc than all if not most of the knuckleheads that infect just about every company. Yet the facts say otherwise. They are employed, which means their employers find some value in having them on the team. I am not employed and to date can’t seem to even get a phone interview, which tells me that employers do not see value in having me on the team.

Maybe this is really the hard truth to face – I just don’t have anything to offer that is of value to an employer. So what can I do? I’m too old to just start over. I am not about to go back to school to go even further in debt for a degree that will not offer any more of a guarantee of job placement than the degree I already have did. Perhaps I can continue to scratch and claw for pennies, only to still not be able to get by… but what does that solve?

I suppose I could keep knocking on doors hoping that maybe, eventually, some company will be desperate enough to give me a low-to mid-level position doing work that anybody who is talented enough, usually avoids like the plague. But again, does an unfulfilling job bring about happiness? I know that isn’t the case based on the several jobs exactly like this that I’ve already had. They are roads to nowhere in terms of professional happiness and usually don’t even pay all that well nor provide any real job security. I’ve already been there and done that. No thanks.

So I guess I’m left with the conclusion that if I can’t make it within the system, maybe it’s time to look at dropping off the grid and leaving the system entirely. At this point, selling my possessions, defaulting on my loans, dropping my cell phone plan, turning over my car to the bank (to save them the trouble of a repo), cashing in whatever I can get from my 401K, and buying a one-way bus ticket to some far away place seems like an appealing prospect.

I’m not sure how I’d make it, or if I even would, but whatever comes, it would almost certainly have to be better than the constant failure and rejection that I seem doomed to otherwise. Hell, maybe I can make it to some third world place and actually use my brains and my efforts to do some good for some other people. At least that way my life would have had some purpose or value to somebody.