New Year

So it is now the year 2012 Anno Diem. Seems to be a perfect time to reflect on the previous year and how it might shape the new one. For starters, 2011 was something of a mixed bag or variety pack of good times and bad times. But perhaps a better analogy might be that of a sandwich, a few layers of good between two slices of bad.

As 2011 dawned, I found myself stressed in terms of finances, my career not going very well and my paychecks certainly inadequate to cover my basic expenses with no relief in sight. I was stuck in a role that in the end turned out to not be a good fit for me at work, but there wasn’t much room to move, so it was either that or leave. On the personal front, I was living in a city three hours away from anything resembling a social life, and one of the few good friends I did have there suffered a tragedy that I can’t even imagine by losing one of her best friends in a horrible accident. While I wouldn’t dare presume to understand the depths of that pain, the very fact that I couldn’t understand it was enough for my heart to break for her and for my other friends suffering that loss. I in fact rang in 2011 at a bar, amid his various friends and family and their shock and tears.

It was shortly after the first of the year and right in the middle of all this darkness that a prospect of a new career opportunity began to materialize and really take tangible form. I had been in very preliminary discussions with a friend of mine in California to move out there and serve as a junior partner in a startup venture for a new product he was developing. In early December I had even travelled out there for a long weekend to meet with him and his business partner (his adopted mom) to hash things over. After a few weeks had passed of the new year, I was finally given word of an “official” offer to come on board and, with things being so bleak and fruitless in my present situation, it seemed to be the perfect time and the perfect opportunity to make a change.

So in the last week of February, I said my goodbyes to Iowa and all my coworkers and friends there and with nothing but my clothes, my computer, and my car, I made the great journey west to California.

It was the evening of one of the last days of February when I made the descent from the El Cajon Pass down into the Ontario area. It was cold, pouring rain, and the wind was gusting enough to make that descent a truly nerve-racking one. I kept my speed slow and steady (despite the other idiots on the road racing past as if there weren’t anything to be concerned about) and eventually arrived at my friend Ric’s house, a little rattled, but safe and sound nonetheless.

The next five months in California were eye opening in many ways. Ric was sporting enough to give me many guided tours of the Southern California region and I got to see a ton of cool stuff. However I also got to see and experience many of the bad aspects of SoCal in terms of the socio-economic deterioration of so many of the neighborhoods out there caused in large measure by the toxic cocktail of a bloated welfare system and unchecked illegal immigration. I myself had opinions on those issues before being out there, but only in an abstract, unattached way. Now having lived and breathed the reality of it, I’d say my opinions are now quite solidified and I agree with Ric that the day will come when things reach critical mass out there (and in the southwest in general) and when that happens, you won’t want to be anywhere near it when it all blows up.

But back to my story, in general I started acclimating as best I could to my new life in SoCal and we worked diligently every day to get the business up and running. We zeroed in a few local pubs and restaraunts that we liked and we both did some more in-depth exploring of the area to find new things of interest. I suspect Ric enjoyed having a newbie there with him to force him to get out a little bit and explore the scene himself. I eventually joined a gym and began to re-establish my workout routine and even went out on a few dates with a couple of the local California girls. Nothing came of them obviously, but all the same, I was definitely trying to find a foothold and build a life.

After a couple of months out west, I made the journey to Mexico for the wedding of one of my absolute best friends. I was a little unsure about the location as it was in Playa Del Carmen, which is directly across from the island of Cozumel, which I had been to before and thought was something of a dump. However I was pleasantly surprised with the quality of the hotel itself, the unbelievable service of the staff, and the stunning beauty of the beach we were on. In fact, I’m not sure how it worked out this way, but I wasn’t “supposed” to have a view of the ocean from my room, but the room they gave me looked directly out onto the ocean and the beach. It really couldn’t have been better!

The wedding itself was beautiful yet casual and all the guests had a great time celebrating over the course of a few days. I ate amazing food every day, experienced my first professional massage/spa, swam in the clear ocean waters, drank plenty of the all-inclusive booze, and soaked up the warm sunshine. To be able to do all of that with some of my best friends truly made the trip unforgettable! However, like all good things, the time did come for me to go back, and as I made the descent back into California, I gazed out the window and realized that I was became depressed at the sight of Ontario and my new life there.

Over the next few weeks I tried to rally my enthusiasm, but in truth, the business was not taking off as we had hoped with only a few isolated orders coming through and not much movement from any of our retail contacts. I was brought on board to be the driving force of the sales and marketing efforts, but despite my best intentions and efforts, the sales simply were not coming in and I found myself becoming extremely homesick for the Midwest. The idea then began to form that perhaps I could solve both of these problems in one fell swoop by relocating back to Kansas City and then using my network of friends and contacts to start getting business built up from there. Days later, I composed an email to Ric laying out my thoughts on this and after a few discussions, he agreed to let me make the jump back to KC.

And so, a couple of weeks later at the end of July, I again loaded up my car and made the drive back. It didn’t take long for me to get settled in at my parents house and get my “office” set up and ready to go. But after only a week, I got the call from Ric that I was being cut-off from the business and that I’d need to find other employment. While I was definitely disappointed at this news, I could at least console myself that it at least happened after I was already back in terra cognita and in a solid position to start fresh.

I began the process the very next day by calling and emailing all of my contacts in my previous industry, recruiters, design directors, former colleagues etc. However it was a phone call to one of good friends in Milwaukee that changed the scope of my efforts. Dave is a freelance designer and has been for a number of years and has found quite a bit of success with it. He strongly encouraged me to consider freelancing as a viable alternative to the typical corporate grind. He made it very clear that it could take a while to get firmly established with a solid roster of clients, but that the fact that times were lean for those looking for regular design jobs meant that the freelancers were being tapped to pick up the slack left by downsized design departments. This idea had been floated by me before, but it really seemed to take hold this time. So I started building up contact lists and formatting my portfolio. It didn’t take long to get a few “hits” and in the first six weeks, I brought in enough work to keep me financially above water and positioned well enough to remain encouraged… until everything dried up. I don’t know why, but after those first weeks, everything seemed to die in terms of design work. None of my existing clients needed anything and none of the potential clients seemed to have any work either. Dead in the water.

So I began to refocus on the search for a “normal” job. I went on several interviews, spoke with a variety of people, got a lot of positive feedback, but nothing seemed to go anywhere for one reason or another. As though this weren’t discouraging enough, I then had to hear through my friend Dave, that one of the Creative Directors I had contacted to explore the possibility of a job did not like my portfolio. His assessment was that my work was not at the level of a “Senior Designer”. Maybe I’m too sensitive to criticism, but that was really a tough blow to take. I knew that my portfolio wasn’t as “flashy” and “high-end” as some in the industry, but that’s really more of a reflection of the types of projects I’ve gotten to work on, and not my value as a designer. Over the next week I formed quite a list of reasons and arguments against this guys’ dismissal of my work, but I still could not shake that feeling of “not being good enough”.

Slowly however, that gloom started to abate and I began working on a few proactive projects to focus on a more high-end aesthetic, just to prove to myself that I could do it. After a few rounds and revisions, I did come up with a couple of decent, flashy portfolio pieces and I know for a fact now that I can do more. But flashy proactive projects look good in my portfolio, but they don’t necessarily put me on a paying basis. And so, while perhaps my portfolio is a touch stronger, I was still without an income with the holidays fast approaching.

It was at this time that I looked into coming on with UPS as a seasonal helper. The full rundown on that can be found in a previous posting on this blog, so there is no need for me to go into it again. What is important though is that, while it was good to have some kind of income, it certainly wasn’t enough to get all my bills paid let alone enough to afford to do anything for my friends and family for Christmas.

And that leads me into the more personal aspect of my situation, the fact that I have some of the most unbelievably awesome friends one could ever hope for. They know what my finances are like, and yet they still keep picking up the tab most times when we go out and do things. I don’t expect them to as they have already done so much for me, but for whatever reason, they just haven’t given up on me yet.

So I guess that’s where 2011 ends: a professional and financial situation as dire and bleak as I have ever known, yet I am still surrounded by awesome friends and family. My selfish hope for 2012 is to get myself back on solid ground and to be able to begin to repay the kindness and charity of those around me. My unselfish hope for 2012, is the same thing for all the millions in this country who find themselves in the same position as me.